Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Mission: Impossible

* Why won't blogger post when I schedule a blog to be published on a certain date/time?? Anyone?! *

I was really hoping to have a baby on Sunday. I know these things can't really be planned, but I kinda figured with a scheduled induction, a baby was bound to be in my arms by now.

Sadly, that's just not the way my life goes.

Here's a timeline from what will heretofore be known as "practice day"

4:45 a.m. - Wake up with the alarm, shower, do full-on hair and make-up (which Husband thought was weird "it's like putting on makeup to go swimming or something....I told him to shove it, or something equally as sweet)

5:45- Leave for the hospital, comment on how weird it is to leave our house as 2 and come back as 3 (Ha! Hahahahaha! Famous last words amIright?)

6:05- Arrive at the hospital 10 minutes early for our induction appointment (Early. Hear that baby girl? EARLY. It's only polite)

6:45- Get checked into our room and commence stripping down into the oh so glamourous hospital gown. Am asked again if I shaved and am told to take the burny antiseptic wipes to the bathroom and....ahem...wipe down for a solid 3 minutes. Husband is given the honor of keeping time to make sure I. Wipe. The. Full. Three. Minutes. Nurse leaves and says to press the nurse call button and she'll come back to set up the IV and have the doctor check me.

6:50- I've wiped the full three minutes, am standing in the room clutching the back of my gown so my bum isn't out for all to see and am trying to scale the walls so Husband isn't catching glimpses of my lilly white bum. We've pushed the button twice and no nurse. I speculate that maybe the bed is weighted and I have to be in the bed before she'll come back. Husband looks at me like I'm cray-cray. I start to climb in the bed naked bum pointing towards the door and joke that this is the moment the nurse will walk in and say "well aren't you enthusiastic, but that's the wrong end sweetie." Husband chokes on coffee.

7:00-  Finally get the idea to poke my head out the door and shout "Hel-lo! I'm CROWNING in here!" But decide I don't want to be that patient. Nurse walks in as we're laughing... turns out the bed wasn't plugged in and she was starting to think that I had misunderstood and was still wiping. Turns out, I already AM that patient :/ Have IV placed (OUCH!) and am checked down there by Dr #1. Verdict: Long and very closed. Says I'm quite possibly looking at a very long induction process, but Mom says via text that I'm just stubborn enough to prove him wrong.

7:30- Monitors say my contractions are 15 minutes apart. I'm not feeling a single one, so the first dose of Misoprostol is given (1/2 a tablet).

8- Contractions are now consistently 5-7 minutes apart and I can feel them! They feel like the start of my period. Crampy, not super uncomfortable, but I'm aware of them.

8:30- Breakfast is served! A cheese omelette (meh), plain oatmeal (kindergarten paste) and Toast with sugar-free blackberry jam (the best part). I tell Husband his eggs are better, he takes this as a compliment (as he should) but he didn't eat the hospital eggs so it's really not saying much.

9:45- Contractions are now 5 minutes apart and they're getting more uncomfortable. Husband is sent home to eat and grab DVDs to watch on our room TV. I fall asleep.

11- I wake up to the nurse wanting to check my blood sugar, blood pressure and pulse. Husband texts and says he's 10 minutes away. I tell the nurse my IV is really hurting my left hand, to the point where I can't/don't want to move fingers. She takes a look, and says "honey, you're going to have a baby, that IV is uncomfortable but it's the least of the pain you're going to feel." I cry a pathetic little cry after she leaves. How the hell am I going to have a baby if I can't handle an IV?

11:45- Contractions are getting stronger and after 5 hours of being in bed and 2 episodes of Friends I want to stretch my legs and walk. I catch a glimpse of all my hospital gowned, bathrobed, slipper moccassined, big tummied glory and tell Husband it looks like he's taking his crazy grandma out for a walk....he laughs and kisses me on the cheek.

1- Lunch! Turkey sandwich, 3 carrots (WTF?) and crackers with peanut butter. Good thing I'm not hungry....though Husband sneaks me 2 licorice niblets after the nurse leaves. Sue me, seriously.... Also, second dose of Misoprostol is administered, this time I get a whole tablet.

3- Contractions are now 3-5 minutes apart and if you talk to me while I'm having one I will cut you. If I were at home, I'd be popping the Tylenol and Midol like nobody's business. I can still walk and talk through them, I just don't want to.

4- We start a Christmas movie, I let Husband pick (bad idea) and he picks Jingle All the Way. Arnold Schwarzenegger bugs me. Probably that whole mistress thing, but I try to look past it in the name of enjoying the movie.

4:30- Nurse suggests we go out and walk again to keep contractions coming consistently and put more pressure on my cervix. She says she's optimistic that because my body responded with contractions so regular, that we will be staying the night and possibly having the baby. I nearly shoot out of bed to go walk around the Labor and Delivery wing.

6:00- Dinner is served! "Chicken" with rice, a side salad, steamed veggies and a roll. I tell Husband it's like eating at a nursing home, no flavor, no spice, no nada. I eat it, because, hell, I'm paying for it and tell Husband to go out and get something yummy for himself for dinner.

7 - Husband still out finding dinner, Doctor comes in and wants to check me and re-evaluate the game plan. I ask if we can wait until Husband is back so he can be in on the decision making process. Doctor says she'll be back in 30.

7:45- Doctor is back. Husband is not. Doctor explains it's time for a shift change and she'd like to check me now since she's experienced with my care thus far. I assume the position, Doctor says "virtually no change." "Shit" I breathe. Husband arrives as Doctor explains the game plan. We're to go home and try again at a future date. Our next scheduled induction is set for the 26th, the day after her original due date. The date my doctor said that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I to go past, which is why she scheduled me for the 18th. Doctor says I'm just barely to the point where they would even consider inducing me and isn't sure why my doctor scheduled me so early. I am confused and bewildered, why was I put through all of this if it wasn't necessary?

8- Discharge papers are being signed. I'm choking back tears of dissapointment, Husband is doing his best to console me. That only makes it worse. Nurse comes to take out my IV, I ask if it will hurt as bad coming out as it did going in. She says no. LIES! I yelp out in pain as the IV is removed. As she presses on the IV site, I cry out again  and just let myself cry it out, no more big girl panties for me. The nurse then says that the IV wasn't placed correctly and no wonder I was uncomfortable and it hurt to be removed. I quietly cry some more. I feel a bit bashed around.

8:30- We are alone in the room, getting packed up to go home. We hug for a minute and Husband says it just wan't time, she'll come on her own and that I did so well that day and shouldn't be disappointed. I tell him it feels wrong to cry, at least we still have a baby, but that I wanted so badly to have her by Christmas.

9:15- We arrive home, still pregnant and exhausted from the day, but optimistic that this was still a nudge in the right direction, forever to be known as "practice day" and confident that what happened was best for me and baby to have a successful birth, whenever that may happen. I remind myself, this may have been heartbreaking, but at least I still have a baby. She's healthy and happy inside the little home I've made for her and she'll come out to meet us when she and God decide it's time.

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