Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Mission: Impossible

* Why won't blogger post when I schedule a blog to be published on a certain date/time?? Anyone?! *

I was really hoping to have a baby on Sunday. I know these things can't really be planned, but I kinda figured with a scheduled induction, a baby was bound to be in my arms by now.

Sadly, that's just not the way my life goes.

Here's a timeline from what will heretofore be known as "practice day"

4:45 a.m. - Wake up with the alarm, shower, do full-on hair and make-up (which Husband thought was weird "it's like putting on makeup to go swimming or something....I told him to shove it, or something equally as sweet)

5:45- Leave for the hospital, comment on how weird it is to leave our house as 2 and come back as 3 (Ha! Hahahahaha! Famous last words amIright?)

6:05- Arrive at the hospital 10 minutes early for our induction appointment (Early. Hear that baby girl? EARLY. It's only polite)

6:45- Get checked into our room and commence stripping down into the oh so glamourous hospital gown. Am asked again if I shaved and am told to take the burny antiseptic wipes to the bathroom and....ahem...wipe down for a solid 3 minutes. Husband is given the honor of keeping time to make sure I. Wipe. The. Full. Three. Minutes. Nurse leaves and says to press the nurse call button and she'll come back to set up the IV and have the doctor check me.

6:50- I've wiped the full three minutes, am standing in the room clutching the back of my gown so my bum isn't out for all to see and am trying to scale the walls so Husband isn't catching glimpses of my lilly white bum. We've pushed the button twice and no nurse. I speculate that maybe the bed is weighted and I have to be in the bed before she'll come back. Husband looks at me like I'm cray-cray. I start to climb in the bed naked bum pointing towards the door and joke that this is the moment the nurse will walk in and say "well aren't you enthusiastic, but that's the wrong end sweetie." Husband chokes on coffee.

7:00-  Finally get the idea to poke my head out the door and shout "Hel-lo! I'm CROWNING in here!" But decide I don't want to be that patient. Nurse walks in as we're laughing... turns out the bed wasn't plugged in and she was starting to think that I had misunderstood and was still wiping. Turns out, I already AM that patient :/ Have IV placed (OUCH!) and am checked down there by Dr #1. Verdict: Long and very closed. Says I'm quite possibly looking at a very long induction process, but Mom says via text that I'm just stubborn enough to prove him wrong.

7:30- Monitors say my contractions are 15 minutes apart. I'm not feeling a single one, so the first dose of Misoprostol is given (1/2 a tablet).

8- Contractions are now consistently 5-7 minutes apart and I can feel them! They feel like the start of my period. Crampy, not super uncomfortable, but I'm aware of them.

8:30- Breakfast is served! A cheese omelette (meh), plain oatmeal (kindergarten paste) and Toast with sugar-free blackberry jam (the best part). I tell Husband his eggs are better, he takes this as a compliment (as he should) but he didn't eat the hospital eggs so it's really not saying much.

9:45- Contractions are now 5 minutes apart and they're getting more uncomfortable. Husband is sent home to eat and grab DVDs to watch on our room TV. I fall asleep.

11- I wake up to the nurse wanting to check my blood sugar, blood pressure and pulse. Husband texts and says he's 10 minutes away. I tell the nurse my IV is really hurting my left hand, to the point where I can't/don't want to move fingers. She takes a look, and says "honey, you're going to have a baby, that IV is uncomfortable but it's the least of the pain you're going to feel." I cry a pathetic little cry after she leaves. How the hell am I going to have a baby if I can't handle an IV?

11:45- Contractions are getting stronger and after 5 hours of being in bed and 2 episodes of Friends I want to stretch my legs and walk. I catch a glimpse of all my hospital gowned, bathrobed, slipper moccassined, big tummied glory and tell Husband it looks like he's taking his crazy grandma out for a walk....he laughs and kisses me on the cheek.

1- Lunch! Turkey sandwich, 3 carrots (WTF?) and crackers with peanut butter. Good thing I'm not hungry....though Husband sneaks me 2 licorice niblets after the nurse leaves. Sue me, seriously.... Also, second dose of Misoprostol is administered, this time I get a whole tablet.

3- Contractions are now 3-5 minutes apart and if you talk to me while I'm having one I will cut you. If I were at home, I'd be popping the Tylenol and Midol like nobody's business. I can still walk and talk through them, I just don't want to.

4- We start a Christmas movie, I let Husband pick (bad idea) and he picks Jingle All the Way. Arnold Schwarzenegger bugs me. Probably that whole mistress thing, but I try to look past it in the name of enjoying the movie.

4:30- Nurse suggests we go out and walk again to keep contractions coming consistently and put more pressure on my cervix. She says she's optimistic that because my body responded with contractions so regular, that we will be staying the night and possibly having the baby. I nearly shoot out of bed to go walk around the Labor and Delivery wing.

6:00- Dinner is served! "Chicken" with rice, a side salad, steamed veggies and a roll. I tell Husband it's like eating at a nursing home, no flavor, no spice, no nada. I eat it, because, hell, I'm paying for it and tell Husband to go out and get something yummy for himself for dinner.

7 - Husband still out finding dinner, Doctor comes in and wants to check me and re-evaluate the game plan. I ask if we can wait until Husband is back so he can be in on the decision making process. Doctor says she'll be back in 30.

7:45- Doctor is back. Husband is not. Doctor explains it's time for a shift change and she'd like to check me now since she's experienced with my care thus far. I assume the position, Doctor says "virtually no change." "Shit" I breathe. Husband arrives as Doctor explains the game plan. We're to go home and try again at a future date. Our next scheduled induction is set for the 26th, the day after her original due date. The date my doctor said that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I to go past, which is why she scheduled me for the 18th. Doctor says I'm just barely to the point where they would even consider inducing me and isn't sure why my doctor scheduled me so early. I am confused and bewildered, why was I put through all of this if it wasn't necessary?

8- Discharge papers are being signed. I'm choking back tears of dissapointment, Husband is doing his best to console me. That only makes it worse. Nurse comes to take out my IV, I ask if it will hurt as bad coming out as it did going in. She says no. LIES! I yelp out in pain as the IV is removed. As she presses on the IV site, I cry out again  and just let myself cry it out, no more big girl panties for me. The nurse then says that the IV wasn't placed correctly and no wonder I was uncomfortable and it hurt to be removed. I quietly cry some more. I feel a bit bashed around.

8:30- We are alone in the room, getting packed up to go home. We hug for a minute and Husband says it just wan't time, she'll come on her own and that I did so well that day and shouldn't be disappointed. I tell him it feels wrong to cry, at least we still have a baby, but that I wanted so badly to have her by Christmas.

9:15- We arrive home, still pregnant and exhausted from the day, but optimistic that this was still a nudge in the right direction, forever to be known as "practice day" and confident that what happened was best for me and baby to have a successful birth, whenever that may happen. I remind myself, this may have been heartbreaking, but at least I still have a baby. She's healthy and happy inside the little home I've made for her and she'll come out to meet us when she and God decide it's time.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Way to make it awkward...

Like I said in the previous post, I had an induction set for the 18th, exactly one week before the Little Misses' due date.

The Saturday before I was to be induced was spent doing laundry, finishing up Christmas shopping and making sure the hospital bag was packed with everything we might need. 

I was headed upstairs to take a shower before heading out to a friends' Christmas party when my phone rang and the Kaiser Hospital number flashed on my screen. Figuring it was a confirmation call about the next day's induction, I answered.

Nurse (youngish, maybe 22/24): Hi Megan we were just calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow for a scheduled induction at 6:15 a.m.

Me: Yep, I'll be there!

Nurse: Ok great also I wanted to remind you not to shave your pubic area

Me: Oh? Is someone going to do that for me? (I was being totally serious....maybe there was a nurse who REALLY wanted to do that? Or maybe they were particular in how they wanted it done? I don't know these things! This is my first time!)

Nurse: Uhm....No. We give you antiseptic wipes to clean the area and it will burn if you shave, so we ask that you don't.

Me: Oh! Well I can't see that anymore anyways so I wouldn't really feel comfortable putting a razor blade in that area without being able to see what I'm doing....that could end poorly.

Nurse: -audibly uncomfortable- Ok....bye

Me: -realizing that my attempt at humor took a dip south of awkward- Bye!

That nurse owes me for the great story she now has to tell. I can hear it now: "So this one time, this girl asked if we were going to shave her crotch...."

Party story GOLD I tell you.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I want

I want to see this:

Read more of this:

Munch on these:

and cuddle this more:

That last one is definitely getting checked off the list :)

Baby OUT!

I was scheduled to be induced yesterday.... it did not go well.

The week leading up to the induction, there were grandiose thoughts and ideas that baby would come on her own and in true "Megan's child" fashion, make a grand dramatic entrance. Maybe my water would break at work? Maybe I'd suddenly go into labor at the company Christmas party? Maybe my water would break at my friend's Holiday party the night before my scheduled induction?

No dice.

So we resigned ourselves to the idea that she would come with a little nudging from the doctor. But that there would be drama somewhere in the labor and delivery process.

Instead we learned that this kid is of the "plant the seed and wait 6 mos for fruition" school of thought.

You know the kind. The conversation typically looks like this:

"Hey, you know, you might want to think about coming out now. We have a pretty cool room for you, and lots of cute clothes and I know it's warm and cozy where you are, but don't you think it's a bit crowded? Wouldn't you like some fresh air? Totally up to you of course....I was just sayin'"

Her: Blank stare, blinks a few times.

You: Just something to think about.....totally up to you. Though you might really enjoy coming out and being out of

 This all has to be said with as little interest or enthusiasm as possible and then back away slowly, make no sudden movements. If she catches even a hint that this idea is what you want, all bets are off.  You have to plant the seed, and then wait for it to become her idea.

I should have started the eviction process with this kid before we hit the second stupid am I?

At the rate I'm going, I'm going to have the gestation period of a friggen' elephant.....

I'm having my sister's daughter....

It has become evident that I'm having Ginger Snap's kid. This seems to be a trend in my family, Big Sister had my daughter (of the no-sleep, wants to be the life of the party/center of attention, dramatic variety) and I'm having Ginger's kid, of the stubborn, can't be told what to do, "I do it my way, when I'm ready dammit!" variety.

Oh Joy. She will be such a delightful teenager. I'm seeing lots of Xanax in my future.

To be fair, she's not entirely Ginger's kid....Husband is peppered with those qualities as well, not nearly as strong, but the flavor is definitely there.

How do I know this?

- She will kick the crap out of my ribs, bladder, internal organs etc... but as soon as someone else puts their hands on my tummy to feel, it's like she plays dead or does that super fun go limp thing that toddlers do when they throw a fit and you try to pick them up (a trick Ginger mastered well, if I remember correctly) little shit.

- She wiggles away from the heart monitor machines during my doctor's appointments. The point is to hook me up so they can get a good reading on her heart rate for 10 minutes or so. The nurse will hook me up, then walk away to...y'know do nurse stuff... then come back and check. Well not with this kid! They have to locate about where her chest is, then figure out just how much she's moving and where she's moving to and then find a spot between those two where they might get a good reading. This never works. Inevitibly, they find where she is and she'll stay there for them until they get the monitor set and are ready to walk away. As soon as they take 5-6 paces away, she wiggles out of range and the heart monitor goes silent. The nurse comes back, repeats the process and again, she wiggles out of range as soon as the nurse turns to leave. On more than one occasion, my daughter has required the nurse to stand there and hold the machine for the entire 10 minutes. I swear, the last time this happened, I could hear her giggling and blowing raspberries through my tummy.

-  She thinks her life source is a plaything. At one particularly uneventful NST, baby girl apparently thought the dramatics needed to be kicked up a notch and decided to kick at her placenta where the umbilical cord connects, and when that didn't get the results she was looking for, she pulled and squeezed at her cord, making her heartrate dip below her baseline. Where did this leave her momma? Sitting in Labor and Delivery for 2 hours while they did additional testing on the little woman to make sure she wasn't doing these things out of distress. Of course she wasn't distressed....the kid was bored! By the time I got to Labor and Delivery and they whipped out their ultra sound machine, she was peacefully sleeping and sucking her thumb. I still had to sit for 2 hours to make sure she was ok.

I have an idea. If the kid exhibits behavior of a relative, that relative gets to take care of the kid until it's under control.

Ginger- Step right up, your party is waiting!