Friday, January 27, 2012

Things no one tells you about the first month

- You, being  a breed of person that requires 9 hours of sleep a night minimum, will discover that you can actually function on 2-3 when absolutely necessary.

- That newborn that seemed so perfect and easy in the hospital? Yeah, that don't last. There's a reason hospitals only keep you for 48's because after 48 hours, the exhaustion from being born wears off and the little nugget has enough energy to let his/her real colors show. There will be screaming, I'll leave it at that.

- You can overfeed a baby. Babies love to suck, if you put a nipple with food coming out of it up to their little mouths, they will suck, and therefore, eat. If you spent all day remedying whatever ailed you with food, you'd be pretty uncomfortable by the end of the day, too.

along those same lines....

- You will become a human pacifier. And it will make you think back to when you were pregnant and said "I just want my body back." And you will laugh at your former self until you cry and think "haha SUCKER!!" and then you will just cry.

- Your husband will come home to both a baby and a wife crying and there will be a moment where he has to decide who to console first. This is the Sophie's Choice for men..... there is no right answer and 9 times out of 10, he'll pick the baby.

- You will find yourself wondering what the hell you've gotten yourself into. You will think that you've made a huge mistake, you will think you're a terrible mother, you will find yourself wanting to run away. And in one particular shining moment, you will lay the baby in its bed take a few steps back and yell at the baby "What!? What do you want that I'm not doing?!" The baby will stop crying for a few seconds, look at you, pout, and start screaming again. And you will feel like shit.

- The baby will smile at nana, the baby will smile at daddy, the baby will smile at her drooly 13-month old cousin who likes to poke her in the eye and mouth, hell, the baby will smile at the white padded walls of her bassinet but the baby will not always smile at you. This does not mean the baby hates least I don't think so...

- Dinner conversations with your husband will revolve around the color, texture, consistency and frequency of poop. And you will retain your apptetite while discussing it.

- Baby farts are histerical and cause for are poopy diapers.

- You will wonder when this whole mommy thing becomes fun, when it feels rewarding and when you won't feel like a walking stress ball. From what I've been told it's anywere from 6 weeks to 6 months so I'll keep you posted.

- You will hear/read all of these things when you are childless and think 'Not me! Not my baby! It'll be different for me!' And that's ok. You need that denial so that you can get pregnant. And then, once you're at home with your leaky boobs, wearing the same yoga pants for the 5th? 6th? day in a row, and your screaming, wailing newborn in your arms, you will mentally write an apology note to all of the moms you judged because you swore you would do it better.

 Let me be the first to say, apology accepted.

I'm back! (sorta)

The bird is down for a nap.... we'll see how long this lasts/how much I can get written.
It'll be a social experiment!
Take one very tired, very frazzled new mom who barely has a vocabulary beyond boobs, nipples, poopy, paci, baby, shhh, and the lyrics to whatever lullaby works that particular day and ask her to compose a few cohesive sentences/thoughts.
This should be fun.
And by fun I mean interesting.

If I don't post for awhile it's because I had a baby. Any houseplants that were gifted to me in the last month or so (2- a holly bush and a phaleanopsis orchid) have died a slow and thirsty death. I'm not sure how old the milk in the refrigerator is. The laundry is piled up to mid-thigh range, there's a layer of dust coating most surfaces and my once brown sofa/chair is now a mousy grey brown color due to a hearty layer of cat hair.

On the plus side, the baby is still alive! So in light of it all, I'm pretty sure when it comes to housework and parenting, I'm there's that.