I’m a registered text offender...

My apologies to anyone who’s texted me in the last month and has been utterly confused, confounded or downright offended by my written communication.

But you see I have a completely logical and reasonable explanation; I have an iPhone. And that iPhone has Auto Correct which is simultaneously my saving grace and the bane of my existence.

For the most part, Auto Correct is the perfect angel; capitalizing proper nouns because I’m too darn lazy, adding apostrophes in the correct places thus narrowly avoiding a homonym fail (see: their, there and they’re) or keeping me healthy or ironically trendy (see: I’ll vs. Ill).

But more often than not, Auto Correct loves nothing more than to make an ass of me at the most inopportune times.

Please allow this post to act as a PSA to those who regularly engage in text conversations with me:

• Please know that I mean books when I ask to borrow your boobs. I’ve got a pair of my own, 4 would be overkill.

• When I tell you I’m about to poop in the shower, I mean pop. And by all means, I’m sitting in the car not….well, you get it.

• I didn’t mean to call you a prick, honest. That was supposed to say pick.

• And please, spare me the Revolutionary War tales when my text reads Whigs. I meant to say ‘which.’

And the best part about Auto Correct? As soon as you realize you’ve made the initial mistake and are in a rush to correct it in a subsequent text, Auto Correct wants to continue to correct you with it’s recommended verbiage. A text conversation will often look like this:

Big Sister: Maybe instead of scones with tea on Sunday we can have Dutch Babies

Me: Oooh yes, Duty babies

Me: **DUTY

Me: Dangit! **dutiful

Me: aah! Dots

Me: Duty

Me: Duty

Me: D U T C H….damn iPhone

Big Sister: I totally LOL’d. I was about to confirm we weren’t actually making duty babies.

Me: Come to think of it, we should totally make duty babies….they get S#!@ done!

And yes, I have tried turning Auto Correct off and either my thumbs are disproportionately huge to the iPhone keyboard, or typing on the damn thing is meant to be impossible so that in order to get anything resembling a cohesive thought across you'd have to use Auto Correct.

Husband: Be there soon

Me: Oo

Me: **Oo

Husband: Wait, what?

Me: *OK

Me: Damn iPhone

Husband: It might be operator error this time babe

And don’t think Steve Jobs isn’t enjoying every last second of these shenanigans... anyone else see the resemblance??



Hey, it’s OK!

If you’ve ever read Glamour magazine, you’ve probably seen the Hey, It’s Ok section that reassures readers that their neurotic tendencies and high maintenance requests demands of their spouses/boyfriends are completely normal.


Which is why I like it so much….and decided to do one of my own.

Hey, It’s OK!

- to be really happy for “golden voice” Ted Williams but to be pretty sure that if you ever found yourself homeless, you’d probably be stuck digging through trash cans and tap dancing for loose change. Fact: your luck just doesn’t pan out that way…

- that your favorite part of getting a new refrigerator is that you don’t have to clean out the old one

- to be really sick of people with kids saying “just wait till you have kids, it only gets worse” when you mention that you’re tired, have a headache, have to do laundry or clean a messy apartment. Yes, I know it gets worse when you have children, that’s why I don’t have any yet!!

*** edited to add: No, Big Sister, I do not mean you….***

- to be a touch disgusted that “losing weight” was listed as a positive to Michael Douglas having cancer on a hollywood news station. News used in the loosest sense of the word.

-Getting your second AARP card in the mail in 2 months does NOT mean you’re old. But watching Sit and be Fit and reruns of All in the Family on local access television certainly makes you FEEL old.

-that a Diet Coke and a new magazine in the mail TOTALLY makes up for not having internet or Cable TV.

Things I've learned this week:

Remember in kindergarten, the teacher would send home a progress report of lessons taught that week that reiterated to parents that no, teacher wasn't implementing day-long naptimes or sniffing glue to get through the day, but that she was actually teaching thankyouverymuch? It might have included counting to 10, writing capital letters and teaching the children not to share their bodily functions during storytime.
Mine may not be as....colorful, but here's this week's progress report:

- That if I have any kind of chocolate in the house that I might want to eat, I had either better hide it, or eat it by Monday evening, because Mondays are when little Monsters come to raid my pantry and it likes the sweet stuff best. And, under no circumstances am I to leave it out where Husband can find it. That 1lb bag of M&Ms I received as a white elephant gift? I think I had a handful....

**Field note: Monsters do not like Peppermint Bark, must stock up as that's the only chocolate she will not eat**

- That sometimes, when I have (and please excuse the metaphore, i'm not particularly fond of it but for this situation, it works) diarrhea of the mouth that some people will throw money at the problem just to get me to stop jabbering at them. Needless to say, chattering on like a squirrel is not a tactic I intend to call upon in future endeavors, but this time, I think it worked in my favor.

- That my forgetfulness is contagious with a two week incubation period. Case in point: two weeks ago I forgot my ballet pants and therefore, couldn't go to dance. This week, Monster forgot all of her ballet clothes and we couldn't go to dance. Thank goodness we have a measure of what's appropriate attire for public. Imagine if we had decided, to hell with it! Let's go anyways! I'll fashion my two tanktops as a fancy strappy minidress and you prance about naked as the day you were born and we'll show them our high kicks and double pirouettes.

- That when you have a migraine, no matter how awful, it's NEVER a good idea to mix your prescription medication with 2 4 extra strength Excedrin Migraine tablets. What you'll end up with is a limp, numb tounge, little to no ability to form cohesive sentences and a bit of a drooling problem the following day.  If however, you are bored on a Saturday night with no forseeable possibility of fun, it may be a good idea to slip your best friend your prescription medication with 4 extra strength Excedrin Migraine tablets, just to see what happens.

- That no matter how persuasive they might be, you shouldn't believe everyone who tells you that you could have a real future in stand-up comedy. You don't.
Also, nothing takes away your ability to entertain the idea of doing stand-up comedy faster than watching a really bad comedian....

-That two long island iced teas at the Punchline Comedy Club has similar effects on my mother as mixing your prescription medication with 2 4 extra strength Excedrin Migraine tablets. :) Just kidding, Mom! Sort of

- That I should never expect just a walk conversation from my father. No, instead I'll get grandiose career advancement ideas taken from the smallest tidbits of our discussion that include, but are not limited to, iPhone apps, podcasts, twitter feeds and planned discussion sessions and talking points a week in advance to schedule what topics to discuss on our walk that day and whether or not that would be a good one to record for a podcast for our iPhone app that we'll make....someday.

- That every idea sounds like a good idea when dad says it.

So Long 2010, Hello 2011

My deepest apologies for not checking in more frequently, and to you Mom, for leaving you without proper reading material.

The last few weeks of 2010 and the first (almost) week of 2011 have flown by leaving me in its wake and overcome with the feeling that I’m standing on the edge of a great precipice, both excited and terrified of what the year will bring.

Despite what others have said about 2010, it was a pretty hallmark year for my neck of the woods (pun not initially intended).

Here’s a recap:

- Daniel was getting settled in his new role of store manager in Downtown Capitol City and knocking the other guys out of the park in store GP and sales.

- Big Sister announced that her food baby was actually a real baby and we could expect to have the little nugget make its appearance around Thanksgiving. Cue jaws dropping (me), an estatic “wahoo” (Husband) followed by an “I knew it!” (Mom), and marching around the room giggling and clucking like a hen (Grandma).

- The very next day, I began a new job on the 15th floor in a tall building in Downtown Capitol City and, amid the click-clacking of heels, crisply pressed suits and elevator rides, feel more and more like a real adult.

- 2 glorious weeks spend on the coolest and most amazing houseboat ever. Days were spent water-logged, napping and snacking; evenings were filled with silly games, delicious food and delirious happiness.

- Husband fetches himself another promotion (and pay increase) and is transferred to the top-earning store of the region, ironically, the one he started at as a sales associate. His career with the company has truly come full circle.

- A week later, after four years of nagging by family and…yes, some by me too, Husband finds it in himself to go back to school. This time for a degree in business, the man has found his calling and is unstoppable, watch out world!

- Thanksgiving came twice this year, one loud, crazy one spent in San Jose and a second more traditional, quiet, low key one spent at home. Both insanely delicious. Both filled with love and laughter. Neither spent with a new baby…

- Until (!) Monday morning, Big Sister is rushed to the hospital — ok, probably not, but in my mind it was very dramatic made more so by an uplifting movie soundtrack— and a mere 9 hours later, Baby Girl E is born.

- Christmas was made that much more magical by having the newest member of our family cooing and squeaking while we unwrapped presents and took turns fawning over her.

- The last weeks of 2010 brought grandparents, newly made great-grandparents on a train from Colorado to meet Baby Girl E and tour the grandchildren’s recent stomping grounds.

The family rang, ok more like calmly and obligatorily, welcomed the New Year in the nick of time (someone woke from their mid-movie nap and said “Hey! It’s midnight”) and kisses were exchanged as we rushed off to bed.

The next morning, without warning or foresight, we awoke to a blanket of snow. Sparkly, white and pristine. I take that as an omen that 2011 will be a year of fresh starts, more new beginnings and more beautiful moments than a year can possibly hold.