February can suck it

This has been my mantra for the first two weeks of the month. It’s amazing how an entire month can go to hell in a hand basket in just 11 days, but it can and it has.

Here’s a rundown of the Joys of February thus far:
- A work project sent me down to San Jose for a day. For anyone not paying attention, that’s a round trip of about 6 hours…and that’s if you're traveling at off peak hours and no one of lessened IQ or driving competence is on the road. Seeing as how i'd need to be there by 2:30 and leave to head home at 4 and this is THE BAY we're talking about, I could expect a good long time in the car trying to not go completely ape $#!%

- I learned of this day-long road trip exactly 18 hours before I was due to leave prompting a rush to rearrange schedules to accommodate two people sharing one car, an emergency gathering of batteries, video tapes, lighting gear and camera to prepare for the project and a quick prayer to The Man Upstairs to keep my car (which had recently began shuddering when I accelerated or was stopped at a light) to get me safely down and back.

- Lost equipment that not only induced panic and crying jags, but also a last ditch effort to purchase a new microphone a mere 12 hours before I left for San Jose.

- A court mandated freeze on Husband’s and my bank account, for which we got a “courtesy call” from our bank en route to San Jose. Cue a day of telephone with a bank representative and a paralegal from the law firm working on the case trying to iron out the details only to discover it’s a case of mistaken identity that will take another week and counting to un-FUBAR it.

- A $400 repair on the aforementioned shuddering car (which lasted the entire trip…half of which before the ‘check engine’ light came on. Between that and the call from our bank, husband and I were thisclose to Thelma and Louise-ing it)

- Sore throat, head congestion and a cough that lasted for a week (so far…) that has totally put me off the taste of cherry cough drops, tissues without lotion and the color green. TMI??

There are more, smaller insignificant details and possibly some larger more significant events that I’m probably forgetting but you get the jist.

Actually, seeing it all typed out and in front of my face it may not sound terrible as most of these events happened in a single day, but understand that while they may have only happened on one day, their after effects are taking weeks (or in the case of the car, a month) before they are resolved or the cost ceases to be felt.

Like I said before, if the first two weeks of February are any indication of how the rest of the month is expected to go, February can suck it….

I’m a registered text offender...

My apologies to anyone who’s texted me in the last month and has been utterly confused, confounded or downright offended by my written communication.

But you see I have a completely logical and reasonable explanation; I have an iPhone. And that iPhone has Auto Correct which is simultaneously my saving grace and the bane of my existence.

For the most part, Auto Correct is the perfect angel; capitalizing proper nouns because I’m too darn lazy, adding apostrophes in the correct places thus narrowly avoiding a homonym fail (see: their, there and they’re) or keeping me healthy or ironically trendy (see: I’ll vs. Ill).

But more often than not, Auto Correct loves nothing more than to make an ass of me at the most inopportune times.

Please allow this post to act as a PSA to those who regularly engage in text conversations with me:

• Please know that I mean books when I ask to borrow your boobs. I’ve got a pair of my own, 4 would be overkill.

• When I tell you I’m about to poop in the shower, I mean pop. And by all means, I’m sitting in the car not….well, you get it.

• I didn’t mean to call you a prick, honest. That was supposed to say pick.

• And please, spare me the Revolutionary War tales when my text reads Whigs. I meant to say ‘which.’

And the best part about Auto Correct? As soon as you realize you’ve made the initial mistake and are in a rush to correct it in a subsequent text, Auto Correct wants to continue to correct you with it’s recommended verbiage. A text conversation will often look like this:

Big Sister: Maybe instead of scones with tea on Sunday we can have Dutch Babies

Me: Oooh yes, Duty babies

Me: **DUTY

Me: Dangit! **dutiful

Me: aah! Dots

Me: Duty

Me: Duty

Me: D U T C H….damn iPhone

Big Sister: I totally LOL’d. I was about to confirm we weren’t actually making duty babies.

Me: Come to think of it, we should totally make duty babies….they get S#!@ done!

And yes, I have tried turning Auto Correct off and either my thumbs are disproportionately huge to the iPhone keyboard, or typing on the damn thing is meant to be impossible so that in order to get anything resembling a cohesive thought across you'd have to use Auto Correct.

Husband: Be there soon

Me: Oo

Me: **Oo

Husband: Wait, what?

Me: *OK

Me: Damn iPhone

Husband: It might be operator error this time babe

And don’t think Steve Jobs isn’t enjoying every last second of these shenanigans... anyone else see the resemblance??



What I came home to. Alternately titled: I got up at 4, YOU got up at 7:00

Is returning to your long-lost (not forgotten) blog only to bitch considered tacky??

If you answered yes, I have a business trip post coming down the pipes so...don't judge.

Many people who meet my dear Husband think he's perfect. I'm not about to destroy the facade he's so carefully built, but I'm not above putting a few cracks in the foundation.

Vindictive? Who, Me?!

If you're not married to the guy and don't have to live with him, then you don't get an opinion.... just sayin'

Most of the time he's close to perfect, but then he goes through these spells where all I can think is "What the hell?!"

The past few days has been one of those spells.

Case in point, the other night was Lasagna night and what do you need with lasagna?? French Bread.
Or at least I do.

Nearly every night of the week, I make sure dinner is done and ready for Husband the second he walks in the door so that all he has to do is change, sit down and eat. The guy does work full-time and go to school y'know.

I rarely ask him to pick up something from the store on his way home, but this particular night, I forgot to get french bread on my way home and so I asked him to get some.

After one big sigh and much hmm-ing and haw-ing, Husband finally said "Can't I just come home? I can do without it."

O.k. fine.

I wound up toasting regular bread in the oven...not the same.

Anyways, I got home from work today, after waking up at 4:30 to be at work at 6 to train a new hire, to this:

And this:



And this:

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY!?

Then, after tidying up the kitchen a little, I came to the conclusion that I really must be the maid because dear Husband left me a tip:

A whopping $.15 which is going in our my collection bin:



Mama needs a new pair of shoes...



*Editors note: Microsoft paint is hard!! *

**I'm also really glad Husband doesn't have a blog...Lord knows what he'd post about me**